The battle with anxiety

I've been noticing that the more I say to myself I have to live with anxiety the more I am losing the battle. God never intended us to live with anxiety. However cured or not I am realizing that praising God is not contingent upon my circumstances. Psalm 78:18 is a verse about Israelites while they were in the desert. It says, "They willfully put God to the test by demanding the food they craved." Rather than thanking God for what He had done for them they demanded more. While I read this I said to myself wow how can they do that yet I am doing that. I think it's time to just say God thank you for everything you have and have not done for me. You know what is good and bad for me. Thank you for being God.

Bargaining

Hello blog. It has been awhile. I have come a long way since my last post. Time has passed and a lot has changed and yet a lot has not. It is funny how while I was going through major panic attacks that I bargained with God. I said that I would never sin again or try my hardest not to. That if God would just help me get through 'this' panic attack that I would do great things with my life. Well looking back God once again has done His part. He has watched over me every time I have cried out for help. Then the morning comes. I am so thankful that God was there holding my hand through the anxiety, the horrible thoughts, the worry that seems insurmountable; He was there. Many times I would just stop what I am doing or just daze off and think really about who God is, how He is. The thought of infinity I can not grasp it seems impossible yet God is just that. The pastor at Crossway said something that really hit home. If only I could hear God's voice I would be able to get through this. But that is not faith and every time I overcome an obstacle that I thought was impossible He is speaking to me yet I am a fool and do not notice. I know that it is not just my need for survival but God's hand because many people feel that they can not over come their problems and fail, give up, surrender to something that is so insignificant in the eyes of God. I know that it was God because I got through it when I could not. If I could not get through it how did I? God's love. What is God's love? It is something so surreal I often can not believe it. A speck on a speck yet God takes the time to say I am important. I have no unique talent, no extraordinary intelligence. Why?

Why? I worry that I do not know the scripture well enough yet I do not act on it. As each day passes I see how fragile I really am. I see kids and they are just so happy without a care in the world. Superman. If I had a wish I would go back to when I was a child and just live without worry. There are often times at night when I want to break down and cry because life in general is so overwhelming. What to make of my life? The internet is extraordinary in that anyone can view this blog (which I hope it reaches the eyes of those who are going through anxiety as well) and for myself to recall and see my progress. I hope that God has a huge plan for my life. I do not want to waste my life. I do not want to waste tomorrow. I do not want to waste another minute. What will I do now that I have stumbled upon this epiphany? Will I go back and live life as I did before I started to type away or will I be better for it, move forward and progress?

I thank God for music it reaches a place in the soul that nothing else can.

Aaron Shust - Watch over me

"I was lonely, You came waltzing over to me and your eyes they saw right through me you heard each one of my cries for help and came to rescue me I was broken every prayer that I have spoken reached your ears and all my tears weren't cried in vain you carried all my pain you put me back together again... You watch over me"

Endurance

Job through all he went through continued to praise God. To read the story when I was a kid or even in high school and the early years of college, I read it and did not comprehend what Job went through. As I am reading Job I imagine how he must have felt when his life was suddenly taken from him when he did not deserve it. Life is so hard. It is at night when I contemplate what I have done and what I have yet to do. Its hard to find the purpose when you don't know your destination. Father be the light in the dark.

Life is

erratic that it is scary and beautiful at the same time. My last entry was I believe was titled "it's been a long time." I wrote that entry several months ago. I began this blog not only to write about what I am going through but also encourage those who are going through the same. I admit once I felt a sense of little relief I wanted to just live each day that I didn't feel anxiety without writing in this blog. I've prayed countless times for healing yet through this I am learning to pray when there is nothing wrong. I've gave thanks so many times when health was good and things were going great but I've learned to give thanks while going through the toughest times in my life. 2010 hands down has been my hardest year. Anxiety is something I can not run away from. It can only be defeated by standing my ground and facing it no matter how scary it is. It is scary. It keeps you frozen, feet nailed to the floor, and eyes fixated on the problems your mind creates. With this entry I am rededicating myself to this blog as well as God. I believe everyday I have to dedicate myself to God since each is different from the last.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety" -Psalm 18:2

Been awhile

since I've posted up a blog. I'm glad to say that God has been healing me day by day and though not fully healed I have come a long way. Today I had several mini panic attacks in which I felt life was almost surreal, similar to an outer body experience (I've been told that to get back to realty I should pinch my nipples haha thank you for the advice babe). side note* To laugh at my anxiety and to not fear it was the words of Juliet. Thank you for that advise and will take it to heart. Though I have memorized only but a handful of verses they have been wonderful to my recovery. I forget where I heard this and may have even posted this up on earlier blogs but when Jesus was being tempted in the desert He recited verses to fight of the devil. If Jesus needed to do this how much more so do we? I am unsure of whether or not anyone with panic attacks or anxiety can see my blog but I know that if God wills it you will find it and read these words. Find comfort knowing that you are not the only person going through anxiety and to that point only. True peace will come from the words found in the Bible. A great place to begin is in Psalms.

With graduation around the corner I find myself worrying more and more yet I always forget that no worry is greater than God. I must remind myself daily to trust in God and present my worries to Him and only then will I find true peace. Nothing is impossible. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith; the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety"

Today's bible verse:

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil for you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me" Psalm 23:4

Our God

Today was wonderful! Though it was uneventful I went through the day with little to no anxiety. Praise God! Though I am unsure if anyone with anxiety can even find this blog I will continue to write in hopes that it finds you.

I finished the book of Psalms a few days ago but have decided to reread it. By looking through Psalms again I know that I will find things I didn't not see before and even more excited going through it this time because thinking back when I did start Psalms for the first time I had so much anxiety and had constant panic attacks but now I am being blessed through the Word and is living proof that God is there and listening to my prayers. Thank you father

Today's verse:

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14:27

Medicine for a broken soul

Why should the devil have all the good music? Being a dj I have come across a lot of music yet nothing compares to worship songs. I have been away from Christian music for so long and it feels wonderful to listen to it once more. Currently a few favorites of mine is David Crowder Band - How he loves and MercyMe - Bring the Rain.

Yesterday I got in a car accident and now I am without my car. On top of this I have a cold. As if anxiety was not bad enough however I know that God will never give me anything I can not handle. For that I am ever grateful. I continue to try and not worry Matthew 6: 27 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life. It is a daily struggle to present God with my worries and know that He is in control. I will continue to pray that I fully rely on God rather than partially.

Slowly I have come to realize that my social skills have decreased. I hope that just as I had slowly lost my social skills I will slowly regain them as the days go on. This may sound insignificant but I feel it a huge burden. We are social creatures and thrive on the company of others.

I find myself questioning myself when I feel happy or not anxious. Why do I do this? It is so negative. I must stop this!

Today's verse: I lift my eyes to the mountain - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth - Psalm 121:1-2