Bargaining

Hello blog. It has been awhile. I have come a long way since my last post. Time has passed and a lot has changed and yet a lot has not. It is funny how while I was going through major panic attacks that I bargained with God. I said that I would never sin again or try my hardest not to. That if God would just help me get through 'this' panic attack that I would do great things with my life. Well looking back God once again has done His part. He has watched over me every time I have cried out for help. Then the morning comes. I am so thankful that God was there holding my hand through the anxiety, the horrible thoughts, the worry that seems insurmountable; He was there. Many times I would just stop what I am doing or just daze off and think really about who God is, how He is. The thought of infinity I can not grasp it seems impossible yet God is just that. The pastor at Crossway said something that really hit home. If only I could hear God's voice I would be able to get through this. But that is not faith and every time I overcome an obstacle that I thought was impossible He is speaking to me yet I am a fool and do not notice. I know that it is not just my need for survival but God's hand because many people feel that they can not over come their problems and fail, give up, surrender to something that is so insignificant in the eyes of God. I know that it was God because I got through it when I could not. If I could not get through it how did I? God's love. What is God's love? It is something so surreal I often can not believe it. A speck on a speck yet God takes the time to say I am important. I have no unique talent, no extraordinary intelligence. Why?

Why? I worry that I do not know the scripture well enough yet I do not act on it. As each day passes I see how fragile I really am. I see kids and they are just so happy without a care in the world. Superman. If I had a wish I would go back to when I was a child and just live without worry. There are often times at night when I want to break down and cry because life in general is so overwhelming. What to make of my life? The internet is extraordinary in that anyone can view this blog (which I hope it reaches the eyes of those who are going through anxiety as well) and for myself to recall and see my progress. I hope that God has a huge plan for my life. I do not want to waste my life. I do not want to waste tomorrow. I do not want to waste another minute. What will I do now that I have stumbled upon this epiphany? Will I go back and live life as I did before I started to type away or will I be better for it, move forward and progress?

I thank God for music it reaches a place in the soul that nothing else can.

Aaron Shust - Watch over me

"I was lonely, You came waltzing over to me and your eyes they saw right through me you heard each one of my cries for help and came to rescue me I was broken every prayer that I have spoken reached your ears and all my tears weren't cried in vain you carried all my pain you put me back together again... You watch over me"